I have taken a blogging hiatus for the past two weeks...partially because I've been busy with a trip up to Wichita, finishing up my class for the summer, getting ready for Baby Herron and spending time with sweet friends. But partially it is because I am processing some family happenings at the moment...and am lost in my thoughts, prayers and the uncertainty of it all.
Starting with the suicide of my uncle earlier this month my family has seemed to have one crisis after another. I've spent hours on the phone back and forth with each of my parents and with each of my four brothers. At the end of all the conversations I am left silently praying "God, HELP!" It is moments like these that I really am struck by my lack of wisdom and knowledge of what to do, how to help. But the scriptures talk over and over about when we lack wisdom. "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all [men] liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. (James 1:5). I am finding myself humbled in this situation and truly needing to lean on God's grace and goodness to solve the issues in my family. Thankfully, God hears our prayers and is working out His will in each of our lives.
I am 26, but still often feel like I am still in the process of learning what it means to be an adult and how to be healthfully differentiated from my family. This process is painful, as it is stripping away things that I held/hold dear and that I clung to as a safety net. It is also a precious process as it is causing me to turn towards the Lord more and more as my safe haven, my Rock and my Shelter.
I've always thought of God as being on the throne in Heaven and though I am joyful to be there, I am also at the back of the crowd...so very far from His immediate presence. I am not sure where or when I developed that mental picture, but I am realizing just how not true that image is! God created me, not because He needed another person to fill the earth, but because He loves me and desires an intense relationship with me. He desires to have that relationship both now and in Heaven. What is the point of Him being omnipresent if it wasn't to BE with me along every step of the road?!
So tonight I am continuing to pray and seek the Lord for wisdom, comfort and grace. If I seek Him with my whole heart, He WILL be found. What an amazingly wonderful thing that is. It is so ironic that the more I learn, the more I realize just how little I really do know. If you happen to think of me in the next few days, just say a prayer for my family. That God would give clarity and somehow intervene in what seems like impossible situations. Nothing is too small for God, this I know. My baby boy that is about to be born is an oh-so-clear testimony to that fact. I am tremendously grateful for such an obvious reality of God's faithfulness in my life.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
35 and counting
Dear Son,
We've only 35 days left till you are supposed to come out and meet the world around you. I have to admit, I hope you make your appearance in less days than that. Partially because I am DYING to meet you and see your little face...but also because you have a mean punch to my ribs that is getting a bit painful. I am having a really hard time getting up from bed or off the couch, and before now I didn't know that it was possible to use the ladies room almost on an hourly basis (maybe that is why they make TP with lotion and aloe in it?!).
This weekend we are going up to your Grandma Campbell's house in Wichita so that she can throw a shower for you. Little boy, let me tell you...she is one VERY excited lady that you are on her way. She has bought waaaaay more stuff for you than your own momma has. I am pretty sure that you will be able to twist her arm to get you whatever you want for Christmas. I'm going to have to make sure you don't exploit that as you get older. :-)
Your dad and I are still so far away from having an agreement on a name for you. We keep procrastinating becuase no name seems quite right and secretly we keep hoping that it will just "come" to us. If you have to remain nameless for a few hours after you are born, I apologize. We'll do our best to give you a name that is fun but not stupid. I hope you won't judge us later on.
We haven't set up your crib yet, but that is on this weeks to-do list. Your dresser arrived and is alreay full of little outfits and blankets. All I need is the rocking chair and to hang some things on the walls and then your room will be ready for you. I think I may need to find a rug to go on the floor so that your dog, Pooka, can lay beside you and keep an eye on you. I know that he is going to love you SO much...maybe too much?! We'll have to work on not letting him lick you. Please be patient with him.
Well son, we are praying for you. That God will keep you healthy and strong over the next few weeks and that your arrival will go smoothly. Know that when you get here you have two VERY excited parents to hug and kiss you.
All my love,
Mom
We've only 35 days left till you are supposed to come out and meet the world around you. I have to admit, I hope you make your appearance in less days than that. Partially because I am DYING to meet you and see your little face...but also because you have a mean punch to my ribs that is getting a bit painful. I am having a really hard time getting up from bed or off the couch, and before now I didn't know that it was possible to use the ladies room almost on an hourly basis (maybe that is why they make TP with lotion and aloe in it?!).
This weekend we are going up to your Grandma Campbell's house in Wichita so that she can throw a shower for you. Little boy, let me tell you...she is one VERY excited lady that you are on her way. She has bought waaaaay more stuff for you than your own momma has. I am pretty sure that you will be able to twist her arm to get you whatever you want for Christmas. I'm going to have to make sure you don't exploit that as you get older. :-)
Your dad and I are still so far away from having an agreement on a name for you. We keep procrastinating becuase no name seems quite right and secretly we keep hoping that it will just "come" to us. If you have to remain nameless for a few hours after you are born, I apologize. We'll do our best to give you a name that is fun but not stupid. I hope you won't judge us later on.
We haven't set up your crib yet, but that is on this weeks to-do list. Your dresser arrived and is alreay full of little outfits and blankets. All I need is the rocking chair and to hang some things on the walls and then your room will be ready for you. I think I may need to find a rug to go on the floor so that your dog, Pooka, can lay beside you and keep an eye on you. I know that he is going to love you SO much...maybe too much?! We'll have to work on not letting him lick you. Please be patient with him.
Well son, we are praying for you. That God will keep you healthy and strong over the next few weeks and that your arrival will go smoothly. Know that when you get here you have two VERY excited parents to hug and kiss you.
All my love,
Mom
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
sadness
Tonight my dad called with the news that my Uncle Don has been missing since Saturday morning. My Aunt Cathy is guessing that it was suicide, but there is no trace of his body or his truck. Apparently he has been depressed for a while and has been on meds. I am not sure when the police will decide that it really was suicide and what happens then. I cannot imagine what my aunt is going through. They had been married for 35+ years and to have your husband leave without saying goodbye, not even through a letter, is a terrible feeling. This is my third family member to die within the last week, though the other two deaths were expected. Because all my extended family lives in Canada and I haven't seen them much in the past 10/15 years, I feel very detached from the whole situation. I care, I love, I grieve, but there are not many tears...and at least for tonight, that is ok with me.
I am a person that is not very familiar with death. My Grandfather passed away 2 years ago this July, but I wasn't able to go to the funeral. Again, I cared and loved and grieved, but didn't cry very much. I am also a person who likes to remember the good in people, and the memories that make me smile. Each of us has our "dark" sides, but I would rather look back at the fond times I spent with my family and remember them for the grins they put on my face.
So, in honor of my Uncle Don Powell...here are a few of my favorite memories:
- standing in his garage next to the large bag of dried kelp and munching away on it. It always left a funny salt/fishy taste in your mouth, but apparently it puts hair on one's chest (though I never got any of that...thankfully!).
- Riding on top of his shoulders
- Sitting on his lap and him reading me a story
- The fact that he refused to miss his "Lizzy's" wedding
- Racing around Toronto in his big boat of a car as we got things ready for his daughter's wedding
- His big laugh and his slight lisp
- How he showed me exactly how to squeek cheese curds with my teeth
- Cracking open my first lobster tail with him
- I never saw him wear anything but a plaid shirt
- He gave some of the biggest hugs ever!
Tonight my prayer is that my Aunt Cathy will find rest, peace and sleep. That morning will bring some sort of closure of knowing what has happened to him. That my cousins will be able to grieve and lean on each other. That God will bring restoration and grace upon their home. That Uncle Don may be at peace, whether his is still alive or if he has passed. That my family will know how to support and love on Aunt Cathy.
You know, God is still GOOD! I know that somehow He is going to take these ashes and create something beautiful, becuase that is His nature. I am glad that at the end of the day, when it is just me, my pillow, and the darkness that surrounds me, that God is there to hold me close and whisper His words of love. He does that if I am filled with happiness or with sadness. Tonight, I am especially thankful for that fact.
I am a person that is not very familiar with death. My Grandfather passed away 2 years ago this July, but I wasn't able to go to the funeral. Again, I cared and loved and grieved, but didn't cry very much. I am also a person who likes to remember the good in people, and the memories that make me smile. Each of us has our "dark" sides, but I would rather look back at the fond times I spent with my family and remember them for the grins they put on my face.
So, in honor of my Uncle Don Powell...here are a few of my favorite memories:
- standing in his garage next to the large bag of dried kelp and munching away on it. It always left a funny salt/fishy taste in your mouth, but apparently it puts hair on one's chest (though I never got any of that...thankfully!).
- Riding on top of his shoulders
- Sitting on his lap and him reading me a story
- The fact that he refused to miss his "Lizzy's" wedding
- Racing around Toronto in his big boat of a car as we got things ready for his daughter's wedding
- His big laugh and his slight lisp
- How he showed me exactly how to squeek cheese curds with my teeth
- Cracking open my first lobster tail with him
- I never saw him wear anything but a plaid shirt
- He gave some of the biggest hugs ever!
Tonight my prayer is that my Aunt Cathy will find rest, peace and sleep. That morning will bring some sort of closure of knowing what has happened to him. That my cousins will be able to grieve and lean on each other. That God will bring restoration and grace upon their home. That Uncle Don may be at peace, whether his is still alive or if he has passed. That my family will know how to support and love on Aunt Cathy.
You know, God is still GOOD! I know that somehow He is going to take these ashes and create something beautiful, becuase that is His nature. I am glad that at the end of the day, when it is just me, my pillow, and the darkness that surrounds me, that God is there to hold me close and whisper His words of love. He does that if I am filled with happiness or with sadness. Tonight, I am especially thankful for that fact.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
God is good
Yesterday started out as a cloudy, but beautiful day! I was going to take my friend Elizabeth's kids strawberry picking and to the pool and then go to baby shower for my dear little boy. I thought that I should start my morning out with a walk though...like every other morning since not working. Well, yesterday that was a bad idea! We were walking downtown and my dear dog saw a duck before I did and he went chasing after it and before I knew it I was on the ground, skinned up and I had fallen on the left side of my stomach. The place where I fell was full of big rocks that were cemented into the ground, so it wasn't even a smooth place to fall. Needless to say, I was frantic, half-hysterical, and bloody. I almost gave my poor husband a heart attack with the phone call saying "I need you to come get me and take me to the hospital" (all done while sobbing). The worst part was sitting there waiting and not feeling the baby move at all. It is a horrible feeling of not knowing if he was ok or not! We went to the Siloam ER and everything seemed fine, they gave me a shot to quiet the mild contractions that started and the baby looked great on the fetal monitor. I got sent home that afternoon and proceeded to have a sore, but GREAT evening at my shower!!
This morning however, I woke up and had about 4-5 contractions in an hour and called the doctor and they said, come in...we want to monitor you. So, back to the hospital we went and we were there all morning. I was hooked up again to the fetal monitor and the contraction monitor. It was interesting to see the numbers go up as I felt my tummy tighten. I had some blood work done and that was fine, the ultrasound showed no sign of placenta damage and I am not dialated at all yet. SO....we are back home again and it looks like everything is going to be fine. I am to just take it easy for a few days.
The very exciting part of the whole ordeal was that we got to SEE our baby and he is a cutie! Definitely still a boy, he has some hair and is 4lb 15oz already! The ultrasound said that he is 33wks, 6days rather that my due date of 32wks, 3days. We'll have to see if he comes early or not, but the blessing is that if he was to come early, he is a decent size and all his organs are functioning correctly. The tech said that he has a perfectly shaped head which is fabulous (let's hope that birth canal doesn't mess it up too much).
God is good. It is miraculous the way that he has created our bodies to handle impact and trauma and still the baby stays safe and snug. What a blessing!
I will post pictures of the shower...but for now am just going to rest. My arm that was holding Pooka's leash got really twisted (I thought it was broken for a while) and so it can't take much activity before it gets super tired.
Thanks to those of you that have been praying!! You are such a blessing to me.
This morning however, I woke up and had about 4-5 contractions in an hour and called the doctor and they said, come in...we want to monitor you. So, back to the hospital we went and we were there all morning. I was hooked up again to the fetal monitor and the contraction monitor. It was interesting to see the numbers go up as I felt my tummy tighten. I had some blood work done and that was fine, the ultrasound showed no sign of placenta damage and I am not dialated at all yet. SO....we are back home again and it looks like everything is going to be fine. I am to just take it easy for a few days.
The very exciting part of the whole ordeal was that we got to SEE our baby and he is a cutie! Definitely still a boy, he has some hair and is 4lb 15oz already! The ultrasound said that he is 33wks, 6days rather that my due date of 32wks, 3days. We'll have to see if he comes early or not, but the blessing is that if he was to come early, he is a decent size and all his organs are functioning correctly. The tech said that he has a perfectly shaped head which is fabulous (let's hope that birth canal doesn't mess it up too much).
God is good. It is miraculous the way that he has created our bodies to handle impact and trauma and still the baby stays safe and snug. What a blessing!
I will post pictures of the shower...but for now am just going to rest. My arm that was holding Pooka's leash got really twisted (I thought it was broken for a while) and so it can't take much activity before it gets super tired.
Thanks to those of you that have been praying!! You are such a blessing to me.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
loving summer
The rest of my first week off was so grand. I enjoyed every delicious drop of it! The thoroughly exciting part is that this coming week will be a repeat of week 1! A girl could get used to this whole not working thing. :-)
This weekend Jason and I went to a little farm in Tontitown and we can home with these:
Aren't they gorgeous? They were so sweet and juicy...and totally had that fresh summer taste that somehow doesn't make it into the boxes of store-bought berries.
We ate some and then I froze the rest. Looking forward to opening those up this winter and reliving a lovely May day!
This picture epitomizes the rest of our weekend so far:
We've done a whole lot of NOTHING! This weekend came at the perfect timing. My dear husband has been more tired that normal over the past few weeks. So I have been happy to let him get some extra naps in this weekend. The dog however, leads a lazy life, so I am not sure why he was all snoozy too.
This weekend Jason and I went to a little farm in Tontitown and we can home with these:
Aren't they gorgeous? They were so sweet and juicy...and totally had that fresh summer taste that somehow doesn't make it into the boxes of store-bought berries.
We ate some and then I froze the rest. Looking forward to opening those up this winter and reliving a lovely May day!This picture epitomizes the rest of our weekend so far:
We've done a whole lot of NOTHING! This weekend came at the perfect timing. My dear husband has been more tired that normal over the past few weeks. So I have been happy to let him get some extra naps in this weekend. The dog however, leads a lazy life, so I am not sure why he was all snoozy too.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Poor dear Arkansas...
So, sometimes I try and make-believe that I do not live in Arkansas. Actually, it isn't that it is a bad place...and quite often I really do enjoy where I live. Now, when my family comes to visit, I usually notice how much I have gotten used to the "culture" of where I live. (Granted, my parents live in Colorado, only the mecca of all out-doorsy people! They tend to be extremely trim, health conscious, and hybrid car drivers.) They often make comments about society here being different than theirs 750 miles away.
Every now and then I get a big slap in the face, and I suddenly wake up from my daze and have to question..."why in the heck do I live here?" What, you may be asking, was the so called slap this time? Well, the story goes something like this:
I was in the local Taco Bell, sitting at a table across from my husband. We were munching down tacos and a bean burrito. It was a pretty regular day. There was a group of kids there that looked like they had just wrapped up their Saturday morning soccer game. I was dipping my taco in sauce, and people watching. All of the sudden I got slapped! Not literally...but I had to do a double take because I really wasn't sure that what I thought I saw really WAS what I saw. But oh no!! It WAS!! There was a gentlemen sitting across the aisle from me, and he was a larger person in a wheelchair. Not that abnormal for my town. The abnormal part was that his entire rear-end was completely unclothed and hanging out the backside of his wheelchair. I was shocked, and unfortunately had little more maturity than a 12 year old boy...because I could barely contain myself from bursting at the seams with laughter. Jason was super confused about the look of shock on my face and then the futile attempts at controlling my laughter. So, he got up, went to refill his soda and scanned the room. What he saw was, a large man in a wheelchair...with no legs!! He sat down again, and looked at me as if I had lost my compassion and asked if I was really laughing at guy with no legs?! Problem was, I didn't see that he didn't have legs...I only saw the the back side of him. Fortunately, the guy was done eating and he and his group left the restaurant. I started to try to explain to my husband what I saw. To no avail, my husband is convinced that I am a wretched person for laughing at a disabled person!! My argument still remains, that legs or no legs...surely one would feel the cold breeze on ones lower cheeks. Maybe he doesn't have any feeling past his arms (because I did see that they were working)...in which case I am really sorry for laughing. I guess I was just reminded that this place where I live is really quite "special". You never know what you might see at your local taco shack. But, for all of you that are reading this...please pull at least your undies over your bum, and make sure that anyone you are caring for in a wheelchair also has their lower regions covered! Arkansas doesn't need any more fodder for laughter than it already has. Poor Arkansas. And, poor man that I laughed at. I really do wish I could apologize.
Every now and then I get a big slap in the face, and I suddenly wake up from my daze and have to question..."why in the heck do I live here?" What, you may be asking, was the so called slap this time? Well, the story goes something like this:
I was in the local Taco Bell, sitting at a table across from my husband. We were munching down tacos and a bean burrito. It was a pretty regular day. There was a group of kids there that looked like they had just wrapped up their Saturday morning soccer game. I was dipping my taco in sauce, and people watching. All of the sudden I got slapped! Not literally...but I had to do a double take because I really wasn't sure that what I thought I saw really WAS what I saw. But oh no!! It WAS!! There was a gentlemen sitting across the aisle from me, and he was a larger person in a wheelchair. Not that abnormal for my town. The abnormal part was that his entire rear-end was completely unclothed and hanging out the backside of his wheelchair. I was shocked, and unfortunately had little more maturity than a 12 year old boy...because I could barely contain myself from bursting at the seams with laughter. Jason was super confused about the look of shock on my face and then the futile attempts at controlling my laughter. So, he got up, went to refill his soda and scanned the room. What he saw was, a large man in a wheelchair...with no legs!! He sat down again, and looked at me as if I had lost my compassion and asked if I was really laughing at guy with no legs?! Problem was, I didn't see that he didn't have legs...I only saw the the back side of him. Fortunately, the guy was done eating and he and his group left the restaurant. I started to try to explain to my husband what I saw. To no avail, my husband is convinced that I am a wretched person for laughing at a disabled person!! My argument still remains, that legs or no legs...surely one would feel the cold breeze on ones lower cheeks. Maybe he doesn't have any feeling past his arms (because I did see that they were working)...in which case I am really sorry for laughing. I guess I was just reminded that this place where I live is really quite "special". You never know what you might see at your local taco shack. But, for all of you that are reading this...please pull at least your undies over your bum, and make sure that anyone you are caring for in a wheelchair also has their lower regions covered! Arkansas doesn't need any more fodder for laughter than it already has. Poor Arkansas. And, poor man that I laughed at. I really do wish I could apologize.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Day two
Today was day #2 of being a stay-at-home-wife/soon-to-be-mom. I spent my day doing homework, gardening and just doing some projects around the house that I haven't had time for before. It was grand. I keep feeling like I have to get so much done because this "vacation" will soon be over. I suppose it is, in 62 days when this kid makes his appearance. Haha!
I had a friend call me today and ask if I would watch her son once a week throughout the summer, for just an hour. I don't mind helping, and said I could help some, but that I couldn't commit to anything after June (for obvious reasons). Anyways...after I hung up, I started to panic! I wasn't really panicking about watching her kid, but rather there were a million little thoughts that ran through my head. They went something like this: "How does one entertain a 1 year old for 45 min? Wait, what does one DO with an infant for an entire day? What am I going to let this kid play with while he is here? Is anything not dog-slobbered upon? I have NO toys! What is MY kid going to play with? I guess I could sit him(my friend's kid) in front of the TV (not that I approve of that as a method of permanently entertaining a kid). I don't like holding conversations with children that cannot coherently respond. What am I going to talk to my son about for the first 3 years of his life? I can't do this! I don't even like children!!"
I was about to reach for a paper bag to breathe in and out of, and then realized that I was driving my car...so I reached over to my phone to call mom and remembered that she is in Canada this week (blah...no international calls on my cell). I talked myself down off the ledge by remembering that I DO in fact LOVE my bf Elizabeth's kids! I really don't mind hanging out with them and I DO enjoy babysitting them. There may be almost no other children that I enjoy, but if I can enjoy her three kids...then surely I can enjoy mine, right?! Also, I find lots of things to talk to my dog about, and he can't respond at all...so this could work, right? Right!
I had a friend call me today and ask if I would watch her son once a week throughout the summer, for just an hour. I don't mind helping, and said I could help some, but that I couldn't commit to anything after June (for obvious reasons). Anyways...after I hung up, I started to panic! I wasn't really panicking about watching her kid, but rather there were a million little thoughts that ran through my head. They went something like this: "How does one entertain a 1 year old for 45 min? Wait, what does one DO with an infant for an entire day? What am I going to let this kid play with while he is here? Is anything not dog-slobbered upon? I have NO toys! What is MY kid going to play with? I guess I could sit him(my friend's kid) in front of the TV (not that I approve of that as a method of permanently entertaining a kid). I don't like holding conversations with children that cannot coherently respond. What am I going to talk to my son about for the first 3 years of his life? I can't do this! I don't even like children!!"
I was about to reach for a paper bag to breathe in and out of, and then realized that I was driving my car...so I reached over to my phone to call mom and remembered that she is in Canada this week (blah...no international calls on my cell). I talked myself down off the ledge by remembering that I DO in fact LOVE my bf Elizabeth's kids! I really don't mind hanging out with them and I DO enjoy babysitting them. There may be almost no other children that I enjoy, but if I can enjoy her three kids...then surely I can enjoy mine, right?! Also, I find lots of things to talk to my dog about, and he can't respond at all...so this could work, right? Right!
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