honesty

The past few days have been really rough for me. I don't know if my hormones are just out of balance, or if I am just really living out the sadness that I feel so much of the time lately. I've stuffed a few tears, and I've cried out a whole lot more. I'm not depressed, just feeling the reality of my "situation". Being honest in this world we live in is rather difficult. Sometimes I'm not honest because I want to be polite...most of the time it is that I am embarrassed or self-protecting. I wish that I didn't do that though. Tonight I talked with a sweet and treasured friend. I cried. I wish that I had called her sooner to talk, or been more open and honest with my struggles a few days ago. It is helpful to just get my thoughts and feelings out in the open. To share allows for her to know how to support and pray. She also passed on a link to this blog, which was incredibly soothing to my soul. I know that many women struggle with infertility, but see...my problem is that I don't know anyone else that is going through it right now. All I am surrounded by is birth announcements, pregnancy announcements and the excitement of waiting for other people's babies to arrive. I feel really alone in my struggle. I so desperately want to be excited for those who are pregnant. The last thing I want to be is bitter or unable to experience joy for someone else. But, there is a persistent nagging in my mind of "I wish that was me too!" I find myself praying and asking questions. They are tough questions, because, as of right now....there is no answer! When is my turn Lord? How long Lord? Is this permanent? Is this a season? What is it that You are trying to teach me through this? So, where to from here? I can only keep going back to scripture. It is the only thing that is truly comforting. Psalm 139 has been reassuring to my soul. The story of Hannah & Elizabeth. God was caring for them all along the way, and He is doing no less for me...even now! They all sought the Lord in earnest and He heard their cry. They bared their souls to their Creator, who knew full well their anguish. It is easier to close up and try and cope on my own. But...I would rather live life to the fullest, even if that means owning up to pain and sorrow rather than pretending that I am always fine. It is kind of funny at how often I try to even convince God that I am doing ok, when He knows right well what the true state my heart is in.

So, in pusuit of honesty and authenticity with my friends, I wanted to share the two things that I need the most from those around me. The first thing is that is helpful to just ask me how I am doing. I won't be upset or feel like you are prying. I am not that private of a person. If you become pregnant, are pregnant or just had a baby, please don't shy away from sharing your joys with me! I want to be a part of your life in the same way that I want you to be a part of mine. The second thing is to please pray for me & Jason...and if it isn't too much of a bother.... every now and then shoot me an e-mail or text or comment to say that you did. It is SO encouraging to know that someone else is talk to my Father on my behalf. It makes it feel less like I am plodding along by myself.

God is still good. All the time.

Something's missing

The past week has been a whirlwind of activity. This weekend was filled with students in and out of my house. Our friend who needed a place to stay for a while, found an apartment and moved out this weekend. My brother-in-law who is a freshmen at the local college got sick and so he spent Saturday evening and all day Sunday with us. Sunday evening I finally got my bathrooms scrubbed, the laundry done, the floors vacuumed and mopped and generally tidied the place up. I did a few jobs around the house that I have been "meaning to do" but just haven't gotten around to it. My homework is done for the week and, though I have class tomorrow night, my life is pretty calm and relaxed at the moment. So, life is good, but...all day today something has been bugging me. I've felt discontented and just out of sorts. I called my mom and talked with her for a while. I miss my family. I desperately want to be closer to my brothers so that we can spend time together just like the old days. I am missing out my my youngest brother's life. My oldest brother has a little girl that will be two in February and I have only seen her once! There is something just not right with that! We have some dear friends that have kids my age, and they were talking tonight about watching their grandkids and being close so that when their pregnant daughter goes into labor they can just drive over and be at the hospital. I miss that proximity with my parents. I've lived in NW Arkansas for almost 8 years now....I want to go home. I know that I need to be content with where God has placed me, but I just don't feel that way right now. I think there are a lot of things in my life that aren't really going as I had them planned in my head. Admittedly, a good sized chunk of me wants to give in to that desire for a pity party. I know though that I just need to make a list of all the blessings that God has given me and focus on those, rather than what I don't have and think that I need. Easier said than done? I think so!

A Rekindled Love

My sweet hubby and I spent our day together. We leisurely got up this morning, read some magazines on the couch, and then we wandered over to Fayetteville. Last weekend we discovered this store that buys, sells & trades old movies. We bought a few last Saturday, and today we took in over 20 movies in that we NEVER watch. There were a few that I have not even seen in the whole time we have been married. We were given $22.72 in store credit to trade against other movies. I picked out two...Jewel of the Nile, and then my all time favorite childhood hero(and, I'll admit it...adult hero too): Macgyver!
I have always appreciate his smart wit, good humor, ingenuity and white high-tops. Today I watched three episodes and I was reminded again of why I feel "in love" with Macgyver...embarassing as it is to confess, when I was 11 I definitly thought about marrying him. He has such great hair. Haha! More than anything though, I was thinking today that they just don't make movies or TV shows like they used to. Everything is so trashy these days. If I could, I would go back to 1982 and relive the 80's as a 25 year old. No such luck, I am surely stuck in the 21st century.

Since I am on such an 80's (and early 90's) movie kick, I am curious about what are your favorite movies from then?

the best three years of my life

Last week was Jason's and my third anniversary. Since we had company and things were crazy with work, we postponed celebrating until today. We didn't do anything outlandish, but we did spend the whole day together. We walked around an outdoor mall, drank some coffee at Starbucks, painted some pottery and had dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date ever! It was perfect.

In thinking over the past three years, I have to say that I am more excited today to be married than I was on my wedding day. Not that I wasn't excited then, but marriage has been better than what I thought it would be. I truly have married my dearest and best friend. He still makes my knees go weak when he kisses my neck. His compassion and tenderness never fails to amaze me. His strength and faith in the Lord is something that I have come to lean on in my moments of doubt. For that, I am ever so grateful.

We have packed a lot into these three years. At times it feels as though we have been married for 10 years. There have been some major trials that we've faced together, but the blessings have far outweighed any struggles. We are thankful to the Lord for bringing us together and for providing in ways that we just could not have imagined!

With those blessings in mind, here are a few pictures of some of those blessings:

What a great day it was! Everyone should have as much fun on their wedding day as we had!



My "Baby"...Pooka. I know he is just a dog, but he has really brought a lot of joy to our lives.

This is a picture of our house from last September when we had just finished it up. The grass has grown in now. ;-)

A fun toy for Jason...

One of the most memorable trips in my life:

We are looking forward to the next three years....and many more after that. God is good!

Not today

The test was negative this morning. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of what today would be like if the test was positive. It would have been a different day. I feel helpless and rather stupid for thinking that maybe this month it would be different. I am trying to still have hope and believe that God cares and is listening to our prayers. Just having a hard time with that this morning. Thanks to those of you that are praying. I need it.

scratchy throat

I woke this morning to the sound of rain dripping on my skylight...the first thought that went through my head was "I can't do it...I just can't make myself crawl out of bed". 9 minutes later, the alarm starting blaring in my left ear again. I felt so icky and gross! I hate getting sick. If I ever get the "poorly's" (as my British relatives call it) I always end up with a sore throat and ears that get plugged up. This is not the time to get sick. I have my first ever Visit Event at my job on Sunday/Monday and I feel so lost in the details and not sure that I am remembering everything correctly. I am just praying that Jesus would touch my body and give me stregnth and the ability to swallow without much pain.

I was going to wait until Saturday (day 31) to take a prego test...but I can't do it. It is consuming my thoughts, so I went to the store this afternoon and picked up a box. Does anyone else ever feel self conscious walking around the store with a box of home pregnancy tests? I always scout the aisle and surrounding aisles to make sure that A- there is no one that I know nearby and B- that there are no men hanging around looking at the athlete's foot medication (WHY is that next to female hygiene and pregnancy products?). I usually do a casual walk by, swipe a box nonchalantly off the shelf and then proceed to cover it up inconspicuously with other things in my cart. From there I just plow my way to the check out and pretend like the pregnancy test box doesn't matter to me anymore than a that bottle of shampoo. I always look for a cashier that looks tired and not really chatty. Sometimes that works out better than others. I once had one lady tell me "good luck, but if it is negative you can have some of my kids". Who says that? Seriously! Anyways...so tomorrow morning is my day of reckoning. I keep telling myself it will be negative, so that when I see that "not pregnant" symbol I won't get so defeated. I still think I might cry if it is.