honesty

The past few days have been really rough for me. I don't know if my hormones are just out of balance, or if I am just really living out the sadness that I feel so much of the time lately. I've stuffed a few tears, and I've cried out a whole lot more. I'm not depressed, just feeling the reality of my "situation". Being honest in this world we live in is rather difficult. Sometimes I'm not honest because I want to be polite...most of the time it is that I am embarrassed or self-protecting. I wish that I didn't do that though. Tonight I talked with a sweet and treasured friend. I cried. I wish that I had called her sooner to talk, or been more open and honest with my struggles a few days ago. It is helpful to just get my thoughts and feelings out in the open. To share allows for her to know how to support and pray. She also passed on a link to this blog, which was incredibly soothing to my soul. I know that many women struggle with infertility, but see...my problem is that I don't know anyone else that is going through it right now. All I am surrounded by is birth announcements, pregnancy announcements and the excitement of waiting for other people's babies to arrive. I feel really alone in my struggle. I so desperately want to be excited for those who are pregnant. The last thing I want to be is bitter or unable to experience joy for someone else. But, there is a persistent nagging in my mind of "I wish that was me too!" I find myself praying and asking questions. They are tough questions, because, as of right now....there is no answer! When is my turn Lord? How long Lord? Is this permanent? Is this a season? What is it that You are trying to teach me through this? So, where to from here? I can only keep going back to scripture. It is the only thing that is truly comforting. Psalm 139 has been reassuring to my soul. The story of Hannah & Elizabeth. God was caring for them all along the way, and He is doing no less for me...even now! They all sought the Lord in earnest and He heard their cry. They bared their souls to their Creator, who knew full well their anguish. It is easier to close up and try and cope on my own. But...I would rather live life to the fullest, even if that means owning up to pain and sorrow rather than pretending that I am always fine. It is kind of funny at how often I try to even convince God that I am doing ok, when He knows right well what the true state my heart is in.

So, in pusuit of honesty and authenticity with my friends, I wanted to share the two things that I need the most from those around me. The first thing is that is helpful to just ask me how I am doing. I won't be upset or feel like you are prying. I am not that private of a person. If you become pregnant, are pregnant or just had a baby, please don't shy away from sharing your joys with me! I want to be a part of your life in the same way that I want you to be a part of mine. The second thing is to please pray for me & Jason...and if it isn't too much of a bother.... every now and then shoot me an e-mail or text or comment to say that you did. It is SO encouraging to know that someone else is talk to my Father on my behalf. It makes it feel less like I am plodding along by myself.

God is still good. All the time.