2011 recap #1

Ah…2011. What a year. Without a doubt, it was a hard year. Good in many ways too, but mostly hard. This little blog became very neglected because I mainly knew not what to write about or how to put down what I was thinking…and then there is the little thing about time. Yeah, I was lacking a little in that category too. But, even where there were moments that I could have stolen away and written, I was overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed I shut down. A chunk of 2011, if I am honest, was spent with me feeling somewhat like a robot emotionally. Doing what I did because it had to be done, but not because I had that much passion or excitement behind my actions. I’ve seen a few people do this thing called “reverb”. It is intended for the month of December as a way to reflect upon the past year. But, oh well, better late than never, right?

Where did 2011 begin? At our rental house on Wright Street. A couple friends came. My youngest brother was there. Obi was in bed. We watched a movie. It was relaxed. Uneventful. Not like the rest of 2011.

Who did you meet? A LOT of people. Probably met more new people this year than I have in a while. See, this past year we built a coffee shop and I went back to graduate school. Some of the people I met have become good friends, and my life is richer because of them. Nicole for one…she was someone we hired to be a manager at the coffee shop. I took an instant liking to her and though we are opposite in personalities, she is sweet, sincere, insightful, loyal, and an ever-encourager.  Katie…I sat across the room from her during my first class back in school. Me in all my judgmental wisdom (NOT) thought that she and I would probably never be friends because she appeared to be such a good person.  She has turned out to be that good person after all and such a blessing to my life. She is one of my colleagues that I most enjoy doing school/counseling with.  Clients…I started seeing clients this fall. It has been so humbling and such a blessing at the same time. I am truly floored that God has given me this opportunity.

What books did you read? This spring I read the Mark of a Lion series. So good. Really. After school started, well a lot of counseling books.  Crazy by Pete Earley, revolutionized what I thought I knew about the mental health system in the US.

When did you struggle? When did I not? This year was rough. Really rough. I struggled with building the shop and juggling home stuff and being a mom to a toddler. I struggled with the finances of making the shop happen. I struggled with letting go of my time to spend with friends or do things that I enjoy. I struggled being a good wife and mom, sister and daughter. I struggled with moving. I wrestled with the decision to go back to school. I struggled with family issues. I struggled with being misunderstood when it really mattered. I struggled with feeling more alone than I have ever felt before. I struggled with feeling like I did’t matter. The list goes on, but I’ll spare you.

What did you discover? That I love school. That God has really called me into this counseling profession.  You know that whisper that God speaks sometimes? God has used that a couple times this semester reassuring me that THIS is where I am supposed to be a the moment. It is pivotal for me as a person, and probably one of the most important, positive defining moments of this past year.

Who was important to you? Elizabeth. Through thick and thin, she has been there.  She has made time for me when I was bawling and barely comprehendible on the phone, and she rejoiced when there were happy moments too.  Her advice is always balanced. She challenges me to be better, love more, and to never give up.

What do you hope to remember? That feeling of awe and gentleness in meeting with a client. I don’t want to lose that. I never want to become callous or jaded. That this was the year that Obi became a mini-boy. He really spent such a short time in the toddler phase of life. It was like he went straight from being a baby to being a boy overnight. He is hilarious and so much fun. Things he said this week:

-       “Mom, you are my favorite kid.”

-       “No mom, you don’t jump in the shower. You will fall and hurt self. It is dangerous, no jumping in shower.”

-       Me: “Obi, please ask the dog if he wants to go for a walk”  Obi: “No mom, Pooka is not a talker-boy, he just barks”.

-       Me: “hey mom, I’ll just throw Obi in the tub real quick so you don’t have to when I am gone for class”. Obi: “Noooooooo….mom, don’t throw me in the tub!!!”  Took some time to convince him that wasn’t literally going to throw him into the tub.

Where did you spend money? HA! The coffee shop. Every last extra penny from January through October went there. Well, at least it seemed and felt that way.

When were you most scared? Hmm…I don’t know. I don’t get truly scared that often. Fearful, yes.  That was something I dealt with a lot. Of trying to overcome my fears…mostly to do with money.  Managing the books of the coffee shop was not good for my blood pressure. J God provided every.single.week. But it was a constant battle for me to trust and rest in that. Towards the end, I felt like I was making progress in that, but I definitely learned more about what scripture talks about in regards to taking every thought captive. It is so easy to let your mind wander and get away from you, and before you know it you are sucked down into the rabbit hole that leads to nowhere but your worst fears. And, Fearville is an awful place to dwell.

What questions did you ask?  A lot of whys? And how? How are we going to make this shop happen? How is it going to take shape? How are we going to handle the daily details? Why is there so much confusion? Why is this so difficult? Why can’t everyone just get along? Why can’t we all be on the same page? Why do we have to move right now in the middle of just opening a coffee house?  Should I go back to school? What will happen with Obi while I am in class or seeing clients? Where should I start my practicum? Where should I be in the Spring? What do I want to do after I graduate? Should we put our house up for sale? What am I going to make for dinner?

Hey there little blog and blog readers (is anyone still out there?)!  So, it has been a year. And I actually have a series of posts that recap the past crazy year.  But first there is something that has been tugging on me for the past week and so I am going to post that instead.  I am going to go ahead and warn you that it is long and it isn't exactly fluffy.

Motherhood. There are so many opinions out there these days on how to, and how not to be a good mom. I don’t normally voice my opinions super strongly. But I am starting to get really, really irritated with a current attitude in regards to parenting and more specifically: mothering.  There is a blog post that has been circulating for the last few days.  And, in that post the mom describes how difficult it can be to raise children and how, though not every moment can be described as enjoyable, we should hold on to the good and cherish what we can. I appreciated some of what she said, disagreed with other parts; but what floored me were the comments after the post.  Most were saying how hard it is to be a mom, and how they do count down the minutes until bedtime, and they won’t look back and miss the days when their kids were little, etc, etc. It was as I was reading the comments that I became super sad and angry.

I am sick of women giving up too easily. I am disgusted with the laziness that my generation of mothers exhibit. Being a mom isn’t easy, but it wasn’t meant to be. Is it not intended to be a crucible for us? Shouldn’t it be so? Since when do we think it is ok to complain about our kids and whine about how difficult they are making our lives? Why, oh why, do women do a count down till bedtime? How is that possibly a healthy way to live with and love on your child? If I knew that my husband, the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else on earth, counted down the minutes until I went to bed and then he could be free, I would be crushed and would feel severely undervalued as a person.  How is that different than a mother/father towards their child? We are the person our child looks up to for love, patience, guidance, acceptance, and security. Should they not go to bed knowing that we will actually be excited to see them the next day?  I am not saying that I have it all together or that I relish every minute of every day. BUT, I think that I should aim to. Why not? Why settle for, “we made it to bed time and everyone is still alive”?  How is that honoring of my child?

I have one child. So, yes, I do not know yet the rigors associated with having multiple children.  I’ve had numerous people ask me why I haven’t had a second child yet.  Most give me the advice that it is best to just “have them and get it over with”.  I usually let those comments slide and just nod and smile. But that is NOT my philosophy in having a family.  I am not making a family just to check it off my list because it was what was next in my life stage. 

Before anyone thinks that I have it all together, let me share with you that I do not. I do not underestimate the difficulties that come with being a parent. I have felt at times like I am tied down and no longer free to do what I want. I too, have said more than once that I needed my kid to go to bed and it better be quick. BUT…I believe in living intentionally.  If I don’t intend for something to happen, it won’t.  I am in the process of figuring out what it really means to be a wife and mom.  What does that role encompass? In our home, it is ever changing and growing because, well, we are every changing and growing. The needs of my son when he was 2 weeks old are very different than they are now. However the role evolves there are some basic core values and principles that I need/want to implement.  If I miss these then I will have failed as a mother.

1-    VALUE - My son is valued human being that was created by God and is loved by God.  I need to treat him as such.

2-    APPRECIATE - My son, no matter his age, is a person with a distinct personality, likes, dislikes and characteristics.  He has something to offer to the whole family. His personhood contributes to who we are as a family.

3-    ESTEEM - My son did not choose to be born.  My husband and I chose to get pregnant and start a family.  I should never do or say anything that makes him seem insignificant or like he is a nuisance.  Does he do annoying things sometimes? Yes, of course he does, but his presence, is NOT annoying.

4-    LEARN and TEACH- As a mother, I can learn from my child, every bit as much as my child will learn from me. But, it is me that he is looking to for instruction. I need to be teaching in all areas of life. From the basics of how to pick up his toys and brush his teeth, to life skills, how to be a helper, how to love on someone, etc. There are time when I need to just quickly get a job done and that is OK, but when I can take the time to have him with me along side my chores/tasks I need to take advantage of that. His brain will change more between birth to 5 than it will at any other time of his life.  He will learn.  I need to make sure that he is learning what he needs to instead of waiting for that to happen on its own. This includes discipline and correction. That takes time, patience, and a heck of a lot of effort, and more than a bit of prayer.

5-    SPEAK LIFE - My words, actions, and tone need to impart that I value my son and what is important to him.  The words that I speak to my child, even off hand comments, can speak life or death to my son. If being a therapist has taught me anything it is that people take what other say to them and internalize it. More than one client has wept over a comment a parent made that insinuated how little regard they had for their child. Those are deep wounds and not ones I am willing to inflict.

6-    RESPECT - In as much as I would be respectful of a grown adult, I need to also be respectful of my child, whether he is two or sixteen or thirty-six.

7-    VALIDATE– I don’t really care about the sound that a train makes. Or that airplanes leave large vapor trails behind them. But it matters to my son. Do I need to pretend that it is as important to me as it is to him, absolutely not!  But I do need to take the time to verbally engage with him and validate his interests and curiosities. I need to make room for him to be a different person than I am, and I need to encourage him to develop the strengths that God has given him.

8-    AFFIRM – When I stop, get on his eye level, and tell my son that he is special to me and that I love him for who he is, he takes that in.  It comes out in the fact that he is securely attached to me and my husband.  He knows that who he is is acceptable to us. He doesn’t have to be or do anything different for us to love him.  Not many parents would say that they don’t feel that way about their kids.  But, too often I think we don’t allow our kids to truly know that we DO feel that way. How many times have we all heard people say that their experience of their parents makes it difficult for them to experience God as a loving Father? My kid is going to interact with God, his Creator, based (at least in some part) on what I modeled for him as a parent. THAT is scary to me.  That is a truly awesome task that I really don’t feel I have the skills for.  But, by golly, I am going to do everything within my ability to make sure that I smoothe the path for him to find Christ and the forgiveness and salvation that only can come from Him.

I often feel tired, defeated and like the day worked me rather than the other way. Being a stay-at-home mom means that everything that encompasses my “job” gets undone. Dishes, laundry, clean floors, the kitchen, the yard, you know what I mean!  I have told my husband on more than on occasion that it isn’t fair! When he goes to work he can complete a task and it stays completed!  The simple fact that it will just get undone again can be so unmotivating to me.  The fact that my kiddo runs over my toes with his truck while I am making dinner is aggravating. I am not a huge fan of wiping a dirty bottom. I really wish he would wipe his nose on a Kleenex instead of his sleeves. I really hate doing laundry, give me a houseful of toilets any day over laundry. I miss the interaction of coworkers. And I could go on and on. We all could. But if I make an intentional decision of what my attitude towards motherhood is going to be…don’t I want it to be something other than complaining or looking at the negative? Why not take back this thing called motherhood? It isn’t about being perfect.  I won’t ever be a perfect mom, I WILL lose my temper and say things I shouldn’t.  There will be days when I will cry and feel overwhelmed.  I’ve had those days and I am not naïve enough to think that I won’t have a few more of those ahead of me.  However, what a waste of time and energy if I just live to get through the years when my kid(s) is little.

I suppose that it boils down to the fact that I am unwilling to look past the blessing that is my kid and I choose to see him as anything other than that. What parent doesn't love their kid? But you know, I know a few parents that don't like their kids. That is inexcusable. God forbid that I should be ungrateful and unappreciative of the gift He gave me in my son.  When the hard and difficult moments of mothering come (because they will indeed come) let me choose to use those moments as a refining fire in which the Lord is using them to burn away my dross and draw me and my son closer to Him.

If I am going to leave my son with a message every. single. day. it better be something like this:
"Obadiah, I am so glad you are in my life. I am a better person because you are here. You bring joy and a whole lot of fun to the otherwise ordinary moments of each day. God created you because He wants to know you and be known by you. I like who you are. I enjoy being with you. I cherish who you are. You are a gift to me and I treasure you." This needs to come out in my actions and how I interact with him.  My kid is two and half.  If I told him that previous statement he would smile, nod, and go right back to his trains without really getting the concept of what I just told him.  But I tell ya what...how I treat him communicates loud and clear in way that he DOES understand.  And he does get the concept of whether he is being valued or not based on my actions. Sobering and humbling.  I definitely need God's grace every day. Thankfully His mercies are new every morning. I just need to ask for them. Being a mom is a daunting task. But I not willing to give up or fail to put in what I need to (and then some).  Can't we as fellow moms come together on that basis rather than the "this is so hard and I just can't wait till they are grown, and i am so tired that I don't care anymore, and I want to do something else, and being a mom isn't my favorite job, and it is so hard"?!  Let's run this race together and win!