processing

I have taken a blogging hiatus for the past two weeks...partially because I've been busy with a trip up to Wichita, finishing up my class for the summer, getting ready for Baby Herron and spending time with sweet friends. But partially it is because I am processing some family happenings at the moment...and am lost in my thoughts, prayers and the uncertainty of it all.

Starting with the suicide of my uncle earlier this month my family has seemed to have one crisis after another. I've spent hours on the phone back and forth with each of my parents and with each of my four brothers. At the end of all the conversations I am left silently praying "God, HELP!" It is moments like these that I really am struck by my lack of wisdom and knowledge of what to do, how to help. But the scriptures talk over and over about when we lack wisdom. "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all [men] liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. (James 1:5). I am finding myself humbled in this situation and truly needing to lean on God's grace and goodness to solve the issues in my family. Thankfully, God hears our prayers and is working out His will in each of our lives.

I am 26, but still often feel like I am still in the process of learning what it means to be an adult and how to be healthfully differentiated from my family. This process is painful, as it is stripping away things that I held/hold dear and that I clung to as a safety net. It is also a precious process as it is causing me to turn towards the Lord more and more as my safe haven, my Rock and my Shelter.

I've always thought of God as being on the throne in Heaven and though I am joyful to be there, I am also at the back of the crowd...so very far from His immediate presence. I am not sure where or when I developed that mental picture, but I am realizing just how not true that image is! God created me, not because He needed another person to fill the earth, but because He loves me and desires an intense relationship with me. He desires to have that relationship both now and in Heaven. What is the point of Him being omnipresent if it wasn't to BE with me along every step of the road?!

So tonight I am continuing to pray and seek the Lord for wisdom, comfort and grace. If I seek Him with my whole heart, He WILL be found. What an amazingly wonderful thing that is. It is so ironic that the more I learn, the more I realize just how little I really do know. If you happen to think of me in the next few days, just say a prayer for my family. That God would give clarity and somehow intervene in what seems like impossible situations. Nothing is too small for God, this I know. My baby boy that is about to be born is an oh-so-clear testimony to that fact. I am tremendously grateful for such an obvious reality of God's faithfulness in my life.