There is a huge dilemma staring me down at the moment, it is this thing called school. You see, I started my masters program almost two years ago. I've been taking classes year round, with the exception of the 8 weeks I took off while having Obi. There are a few things that I have said regarding my continuing education...
"I'll just work 10-15, at most 20, hours a week after I graduate."
"I want to do something with my life, more than just being a stay at home mom."
"If something were to happen to Jason, I don't know that I could provide for our family very well on just my bachelor's degree."
"I want to help people."
The thing is, that once I had my little Obi, it was like the world changed for me. I don't want to go anywhere for 10-15, at most 20 hours a week!! I want nothing more that to be with my little boy and be his mommy. I don't want to miss out on anything in his life. The nights that I have to go to class are awful. Not that going to class is that hard, but I just dread it all day long. I have ZERO motivation to do homework (which is not a good thing). My biggest problem is that after this semester is over I will start my practicum. Between the practicum hours and the classes I need to take in order to graduate by May 2011, I will be gone from him at least 20 hours a week, probably more every week until graduation!!
So, I am weighing my options...
1. Carry on and just push through.
2. Delay graduation and take a slower pace.
3. See if there isn't a program at another university that I could transfer to and just graduate with a master's without being licensed to counsel.
4. Quit altogether.
I am praying. I don't know exactly what to do. I feel guilty for wanting to quit, I feel as though I am letting everyone around me down. Who knows why I feel that way. I feel guilty for just wanting to be a mom. What I do know is that guilt is not of the Lord. I do know that my "doing something with my life" is not determined by having a masters degree. I was going to quit the second week of classes, but decided to go ahead and finish out this semester in order to give myself time to think, process, pray and decide.
I am thankful that I have a VERY supportive husband who doesn't care what I do as long as in the end I am happy. What would I do without this best friend of mine? I am sure that once we are all sleeping through the night and Obi isn't eating every three hours during the day that it will get a lot easier and I may feel different than I do right now. I don't know...so again, I am just praying for wisdom and discernment. I know that God will be faithful to give me an answer, and in the meantime, walk beside me as I try and figure it all out.
4 comments:
I was EXACTLY where you are once upon a time. I have never in my life felt God speak to me so clearly. It was as though everything I had ever thought I would do... WANTED to do... transformed over night. It took me a while to see that I wasn't down-grading my dreams. It was an upgrade of the best kind. He will let you know what to do. I always say that mommies just have to wait and listen and obey the calling... whatever it may be. And no matter what decision you make, don't you dare let people around you bring doubt. Everyone has their opinion. It's between you and God.
I ditto what Angie said, and just want to remind you of everything else I've already told you. I hope it helped and didn't make your decision harder.
Plus this: God, Jason, and Obi are the only ones in your life that you are accountable to as far as this decision goes. I don't think for a second that anyone will be disappointed in you if you slow down or quit the program, but their opinion doesn't matter anyway. Your life should be pleasing to the Lord, no one else. And your responsibility is to take care of Jason and Obi, not necessarily anyone else. Even though there are clients out there that I know you can help, they are not as important.
I know this is a hard decision. I KNOW. I've had to make it, and it was downright one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. Remember, like you already wrote, you may feel very differently (and have more clarity, I think) when Obi is a little bigger and not b-feeding exclusively. Parenting is a long process, and his infancy is only part of it.
Just wait for toddlerhood! Ha Ha-I can't wait! Hopefully Obi will be a better behaved toddler than Pooka:)
Love you! I'll pray for you 3 as you all work things out.~H
Liz, as the Lord guides you, you will make the right descision. God's answer comes with His peace, not guilt.
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